Nerja News 30

Updated Today Wednesday 26th of July 2017
Weather Now: Currently Sunny 26.2°C With Wind From the South at 3.0 MPH Gusting to 3.0 MPH. 1016 mb. Sunrise: 7:16. Sunset: 21:27.

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SW 9mph

Avoiding the ‘broad-side…’

Latest blog Sunday 19th of August 2012

An Expats View Of Life In Nerja

I would be the first to admit that my previous writings for this auspicious website may be construed as overtly pro-Nerja. I make no apologies. I am a man very much enamoured of the place and wish only to share my feelings with as many of you who are prepared to listen. However it would be nothing short of a dereliction of duty, not to say down right dishonest, if I were not to bring to your attention at least some of the unseen reefs that may exist beneath uncharted shores. There is, after all the possibility of all kinds of dangers hidden beyond seemingly trouble free horizons. A ship built, less a halfpenny’s worth of tar can be thoroughly spoilt. If you will indulge me in the use of the nautical parlance. Patrick O’Brian make away there!

Gentlemen! There exists in Nerja, a preponderance of dashingly good looking waiters. Dressed predominantly in black (and we all know how flattering that can be), they move between tables, holding full drink trays aloft in one hand, dodging small children and outstretched legs as they go, moving chairs in and out for the ladies with their ‘free’ hand while simultaneously whispering sweet nothings into their newly sunburnt ears. “I have seen you in my dreams, now here you are in the flesh”. That old one. Give me a break! Of course the women folk are only flesh and blood and so must be seen as the helpless victims of these bounders whose contours seem a little too well defined in their obviously bespoke uniforms, to be just the result of genetics.

Sadly, some of us seem content to sit back with their Rum ration not even seeming to stand by and repel ‘Boarders’ as they descend, Eroll Flynn like onto our ‘decks’ making prisoners of many a wenchies’ heart.

BELAY I SAY, NOT I ME BUCHOS! I have decided that I am not going to be caught low in the water carrying too much ballast and so I have charted my course to the nearest Gym.

After handing over my credit card to the (rather surprisingly portly) Gym manager, I made my way to the men’s changing room. Not a bad result. Four months for the price of three and ten Euros to hire a locker.

My sun bleached blond hair and my now almost permanent tan is, I think, best complemented by a fairly old but none the less nicely fitting pair of grey shorts and matching vest. I’m not too comfortable in pastel shades at the best of times. I emerge in gladiatorial fashion through the changing room door into the free weight area. “My name is Danielius Kruyerius Maximus. Husband to a smitten wife, owner of a Fiat Punto! Of course I don’t actually say this out loud for as I survey the Gym area I can’t help but notice that, a few puffing expats aside, the place is populated entirely by Nerja’s waiters. “Who is minding the cafe?,” I think to myself and am tempted to shout “la cuenta por favor?”, just to see if there is any kind of Pavlovian reaction from them. I decide this is not a good idea. I do not want to be knocked to the floor by some big armed man only to wake up lying in a pool of someone else’s Testosterone.

I begin my ‘programme’ but soon become interested in the differences in etiquette between that of the Spanish and the British Gym user. In Britain, health and safety regulations make it compulsory to wear the correct attire. Hard hat, re-enforced shorts and steel toe capped trainers just in case you or the individual working out next to you accidently drops a fifty kilo dumbbell on your tootsies. In Spain flip flops are preferred. On the walls of Britains Gyms polite notices remind us that “Children under sixteen years of age are not permitted in the Gym as the equipment is potentially dangerous”. In Spain small children can be seen cradled under one of dad’s arms as he exercises the triceps of the other while mum peddles away on a Stationary Bicycle that hasn’t got a cross bar for the bambino to sit on.

The thing that it is most difficult to come to terms with however is the use of the wall mirrors. You can do all kinds of things in British Gyms which would be considered socially unacceptable elsewhere. What regular Gym user can honestly say that while sitting on the leg extension machine, they haven’t suddenly woken from a day dream with their finger stuck up their nostril? I know I have. This and acts like it are accepted in British Gyms. Get caught glancing sideways at your self in a wall mirror however and you become the victim of merciless ridicule. Not so in Spain. The practice of young men admiring themselves in the mirror from every conceivable angle is very much the thing to do. I was moved to do my own quick survey, nothing scientific you understand, but of the ten young men I observed, their average time spent in the gym was one hour fifty minutes. The average time spent by each of them gazing at them selves in the mirror, eleven minutes thirty six seconds. Contorting their bodies into the most un-natural of shapes, they get the very best image to gaze back at them.

“England expects this day that every man shall do his duty”. That is: strip, shower (if absolutely necessary), dry off, dress and get out of the changing room before the enemy have realised you’ve weighed anchor and cast off. Not so with these chaps. In all states of undress, they converse with each other, making, if you can believe it, eye contact as they do so. The skills of their trade coming into play as they mix cocktails of powdered, high protein muscle building supplements and long life milk. Gulping it back, often the mouth is missed, allowing the concoction to run erotically down their barrel chested, flat stomached torsos…. It’s like being in a Derek Jarman movie! Either that or I’ve been reading too many sea faring novels.

But it must be said that over all, the visit to the gym is an enjoyable and certainly worth while one. Offering a place to escape the rain and the cooler weather of the winter months as well as providing an excellent way of avoiding the hottest part of the day during the summer, not to mention of course combating all those ‘useless’ calories you consume once that sun passes over the yardarm. Its also a good place to practice your Spanish with the your fellow athletes as you sculpt your self into some one who can legitimately don a tight fitting pair of ‘speedos’ and walk nonchalantly along the seashore for no apparent reason.

And should we really be bovver’d or feel jealous of the Adonis’ who is waiting at our table? No. For it is clear that these young men are professionals. The devotion to their tip top fitness lies less in their desire to seduce our women folk and more in their ability to be able to carry two or three kilos of sangria high above their heads, better to avoid any unfortunate collision with diners. Good reason if you ask me for not having ‘avast behind!’

Copyright © Daniel Kruyer

Paula Domínguez And La Banda del Soplo In Plaza Cangrejos

Whats On Saturday 18th of August 2012

Paula Domínguez And La Banda del Soplo In Plaza Cangrejos
On Saturday 18th of August in Plaza Cangrejos there will be performances by Paula Domínguez (flamenco) and La Banda del Soplo (South American brass instruments) at 10pm and 11pm respectively. Entry is free. These acts are part of the Diversons programme sponsored by La Caixa bank, to promote...Read More »

Blue Flags Back At Burriana And Torrecilla Beaches In Nerja

News Friday 17th of August 2012

Blue Flags Back At Burriana And Torrecilla Beaches In Nerja
After last month’s embarrassing news that the Blue Flags for beach quality were under threat at two of Nerja’s most popular beaches, the council have announced that the flags can fly again. ADEAC, the Spanish Association of Environmental and Consumer Education that awards the Blue...Read More »

Fiesta Blanca 2012, El Salon, Nerja – Video

Wednesday 15th of August 2012
The fifth Fiesta Blanca (White Party) took place last night Tuesday 14th of August 2012, starting at 10.30pm on El Salón beach in Nerja. This years fiesta featured go-go dancers, a violinist and...Read More »

Cornish Pasties And Pork Pies In Nerja

Wednesday 15th of August 2012
For visitors and expats residents alike who are missing traditional British food whilst here in Nerja, the good news is that Cornish pasties are now on sale from various shops in Nerja, including at...Read More »

Fiesta Blanca At El Salon Tonight

Tuesday 14th of August 2012
The fifth Fiesta Blanca (White Party) will take place tonight Tuesday 14th of August 2012, starting at 10.30pm on El Salón beach in Nerja. The fiesta will feature go-go dancers, a violinist and...Read More »

Picture Of The Week

More News

Costa Del Fog

Sunday 12th of August 2012
The whole of the Málaga coastline, including Nerja, was covered in fog and mist yesterday morning. The sea fog appears when there is a combination of high humidity, warm temperatures and relatively cold sea water. The mist forms as the moist warm...

Fiesta Blanca At El Salon 2012

Saturday 11th of August 2012
The fith Fiesta Blanca (White Party) will take place on Tuesday 14th of August 2012, starting at 10.30pm on El Salón beach in Nerja. The fiesta will feature go-go dancers, a violinist and three guest DJ’s; Miguel Picasso, José María Albalá...

Underwater Wedding At Benalmadena Aquarium

Friday 10th of August 2012
Many people come to Nerja to get married at the Iglesia San Salvador and then have their pictures taken on the Balcon de Europa. However for one couple from Cordoba even the spectacular setting of the Balcon wasn’t enough to tempt them and...

Latest Comments

  • GingerHound Nerja Carnival 2017 "There is no need to stand around waiting - go and look for the parade where it starts at Plaza España - you won't be..."
  • Kath Nerja Carnival 2017 "We waited by the stalactite in C. Pintada. Although the parade was advertised for a 5pm start, a local shopkeeper advised us that it would..."
  • GingerHound Nerja Carnival 2017 "The parade set off around 5.20pm from Calle Jaen, got to Plaza Cantarero at around 7pm and then headed back to the Balcon de Euopa...."
  • Dave Nerja Carnival 2017 "Whereabouts were you waiting? The parade happened - starting shortly after 5pm and then looping back down Calle Pintada around 9pm... Very hard to miss..."
  • Kath Nerja Carnival 2017 "Don't know what happened to the carnival parade on Saturday 25 Feb 2017. Stood from 5pm until 7.30pm and still no sign, or sound, of..."
  • Kath Los Barriles "Visited the new Los Barriles in Calle San Juan recently. What a great job they have done, and it is so good to see them..."
  • Maureen&Tom Redondo "Redondo bar is a pleasant one. Nice honest drinks and great food. Mario&staff are working their socks off to make you feel at home. Lost..."
  • IAN CARSTAIRS La Piqueta "Visit Nerja May and September every year (for past 8 years).This is a great bar.excellent food, friendly staff."
  • August Heatwave Hits Spain

    Thursday 9th of August 2012
    Thirty provinces in Spain are on Orange Alert due to the heatwave caused by a wave of warm Saharan air engulfing the country. In some parts of Andalucia, the thermometers are set to reach 40ºC and tomorrow in Córdoba, Jaén and Sevilla...

    Malaga Feria 2012

    Wednesday 8th of August 2012
    The Malaga Feria 2012 starts this weekend with the opening ceremonies and midnight fireworks on Friday (10th August 2012) at Playa Malagueta followed by a concert at the Paseo del Parque. Events carry on throughout the week centred on Paseo del...

    Homes Wanted For Kittens

    Tuesday 7th of August 2012
    A local animal charity is urgently looking for new homes for four kittens. The kittens are all females, about 3 months old and are described as being very sweet, affectionate and boisterous. The mother of the kittens has now been neutered. If anyone...

    Tourists Day 2012 – Dial Del Turista Nerja

    Monday 6th of August 2012
    This years Day of the Tourist will take place on the 5th of September 2012. The event takes place on the Balcon de Europa and is designed to show local appreciation towards visitors. The events start at midday, when Pastora Soler will be officially...

    12 Year Old Boy Injured In Boat Accident At Maro

    Sunday 5th of August 2012
    A 12 year old boy was seriously injured by the propeller of a boat yesterday (Saturday) evening, whilst trying to get on board in one of the bays at Maro. The emergency services (112) were called at 6.10pm who despatched a helicopter to the the...

    Andalucian Athletics Championship In Nerja

    Saturday 4th of August 2012
    The Enrique Lopez Stadium in Nerja hosts this Saturday 4th of August, from 5.30pm, the The Andalucian Absolute Athletics Championships. The Sports councilor, José Alberto Tomé, has invited Nerja residents and visitors alike to come and witness...

    Bollywood On The Balcon Filming Gets Underway

    Friday 3rd of August 2012
    The Balcon de Europa was the set for a film sequence being made for a Bollywood film production today. The scenes on the Balcon involved a white stretch limo, watched by a small crowd of curious onlookers, who had stopped off on their way from the...

    Guardia Civil Continue Search For Missing British Tourist Gordon Simm

    Wednesday 1st of August 2012
    Ten days have now passed since Gordon Simm, 63, was reported missing by his wife Wendy, after heading out from his hotel in Nerja to hike up the Rio Chillar. Despite no trace having been found so far the Guardia Civil are continuing with their...

    August “Operation Salida” Gets Underway

    Tuesday 31st of July 2012
    As the August holidays get underway, 2.7 million journeys are expected to be undertaken between 3pm today and midnight Wednesday August the 1st. As such the Spanish DGT (Traffic Department) have started their second “Operation Salida” of...

    Maro and El Playazo Beaches Lose Blue Flag Status

    Monday 30th of July 2012
    After a snap inspection of Nerja’s beaches carried out last week, two of Nerja’s beaches have lost their Blue Flag status and two more are under threat. ADEAC, the Spanish Association of Environmental and Consumer Education that awards...

    Plan To Stabilise Ferrara Beach In Torrox Costa Using Breakwaters

    Monday 30th of July 2012
    Ferrara Beach in Torrox Costa has long suffered from erosion during stormy weather, when strong waves and winds wash the sand away from the beach. This erosion leaves the beach in a poor state and Torrox council have to regularly carry out repairs,...

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